Rescinded Red

Oh the media monkeys and their junket junkies will invite you to their plastic pantomime. Throw their invites away.

Sunday EPL Results: The Deuce Runs Loose on Chelsea

156202256_22681c61afNewcastle 1 – 5 Liverpool: Liverpool emphatically guaranteed they will be title leaders by Christmas.  How bad does your defense need to be for a team playing two holding midfielders and leading the line with Dirk Kuyt to score five goals?  That is with Shay Given’s brilliance maintaining reason.

Fulham 2 – 2 Chelsea: Clint “Deuce” Dempsey played up to his nickname, dueling Frank Lampard to a stalemate in the West London derby.  Chelsea had more chances, but did not use them.  Scolari’s men have taken just 10 of their last 21 possible points.

Blackburn 2 – 2 Manchester City: I flipped this one off with about five minutes remaining.  Oops.  Daniel Sturridge and Robinho in injury time spoiled a competent performance from Big Sam’s boys.  City are two points above the relegation zone and Blackburn are two points below.

Arsenal 1 – 0 Portsmouth: It was one-nil to the Arsenal, but there wasn’t much to sing about.  The Gunners managed just one goal against Portsmouth’s porous defense, and that was from a defender.  Far from the beautiful game, Arsenal’s current group plays with neither invention nor competence in any facet of the game.  Relegation candidates Portsmouth have lost four straight.

West Brom 2 – 0 Tottenham: Tottenham succumbed from two late goals, but West Brom’s victory over the ten-man side was deserved.  Harry Redknapp, bizarrely, questioned the ref’s competency while admitting the penalty call. 

Everton 3 – 0 Sunderland: Without a healthy striker, Everton needed goals from midfield.  Fortunately, that midfield contains Cahill, Fellaini and Mikel Arteta, scorer of two early goals in this match.  Ricky Sbragia’s deal at Sunderland is now permanent.  Unfortunately, his salubrious effect may not be.

West Ham 2 – 1 Stoke City: West Ham scored a resilient victory, coming back from an early goal.  They were aided by Stoke City, who dropped to ten after Ricardo Fuller saw red for taking a shot at his own captain, Andy Griffin.  

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Boxing Day Premier League Results

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Boxing Day is rough for all and, generally, Premier League defenders are not excepted.  With lapsed concentration get slapped haphazardly around the area, with goals raining in from every direction to the delight of spectators (See Chelsea 4 -4 Aston Villa).  This year, alas, only Manchester City and West Ham received the memo.

The Citizens stormed out of the relegation zone, beating Hull City so badly they looked as if they had met Joey Barton outside a McDonalds.  Robinho was fancy, but effective bagging a brace and imposing his flourish on an overmatched Hull defense.  The drubbing was so bad, Phil Brown refused to let Hull return to the dressing room.  Mark Hughes retrieved some of his pride after the loss to West Brom, but dousing the burner under his bottom after one match would be hasty.

West Ham won just their second Premier League victory in their last 13 matches, but it was impressive.  Carlton Cole and Craig Bellamy penetrated the casual and sloppy Portsmouth back line.  How does a team coached by Tony Adams concede nine goals in three matches?  Perhaps, they were too busy packing.

Arsenal drew Aston Villa 2-2 in the tastiest tie of the day, leaving Villa a three-point advantage for fourth place.  Martin O’Neill’s men comprehensively outplayed every Arsenal partisan on the pitch, except the goal post.  Arsenal then, inexplicably, went 2-0 up.  William Gallas gave away a legit penalty in the 65th minute, and Zat Knight, of all people, knocked in an injury-time equalizer.  Both sides could have won.  Both could have lost.  It was the fairest result.

United were big in Japan, and Carlos Tevez was just big enough to score the late winner against Stoke City.  United have scored just three goals in their past five Premier League matches, however they have not conceded and earned three 1-0 victories.  Given Liverpool and Chelsea’s inconsistency of late, Man U could be title favorites if they pick up their games in hand.

Liverpool’s Robbie Keane can be dangerous on a hot run, which he appears to have hit.  His two second-half goals in the 3-0 win against Bolton, as well as his equalizer last weekend against Arsenal have kept Liverpool on top of the table, shocking since this was their first December victory in all competitions.

The other contenders, Chelsea, earned their first home victory since Nov. 1 with their 2-0 defeat of West Brom.  Drogba received the central role, and scored his first league goal since March after three minutes.  Trim, reliable Frank scored in first-half injury time.  Chelsea put the game away.

Wigan vanquished Newcastle 2-1, with Ryan Taylor again tormenting the barcodes.  Approximately 80,000 combined people witnessed Tottenham – Fulham and Sunderland 0 – Blackburn 0.  They went home profoundly bored.

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Sunday EPL Results: Brought to You By Howard Webb


Arsenal 1 – 1 Liverpool: Contrasting styles produced an expectable stalemate.  Howard Webb, as he seemingly intended, was the belle of the ball.

West Brom 2 – 1 Manchester City: How much longer can Hughes last?  Will Kaka, Buffon and Fernando Torres handle playing in the Championship?

Newcastle 2 – 1 Tottenham: Duff’s late winner pushed Newcastle toward Europe.  Does any neutral not revel in this match being a relegation six-pointer?

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Saturday EPL Results: Title Contenders Underwhelm

heurelho-gomes-spurs-190Liverpool 2 – 2 Hull City: Liverpool dropped points for the third time in four Premier League matches.  Gerrard’s brace evened proceedings, and the Reds stirred the pot during the second half.  But with Robbie Keane on the bench, Liverpool could not muster a third.

Tottenham 0 – 0 Manchester United: Spurs held the line despite injuries to King and Woodgate, with the maligned Gomes, surprisingly, making a crucial late save.  The goalkeeper relieved some angst, but Berbatov, the £30m man, will get more supporter scrutiny, as he once again went scoreless.

Middlesbrough 1 – 1 Arsenal: Adebayor scored early, but Aliadiere, who only tries against his former club, equalized to give Southgate his fifth result in a row against Wenger.  Arsenal missed the opportunity to pick up two points on Liverpool and Manchester United.  It’s sad when this is considered decent.

Manchester City 0 – 1 Everton: Neither side had a healthy striker, so it’s unsurprising that they battered each other boringly for much of the match.  What Cahill lacks as a pure striker, he makes up in grit, with his late header earning Everton a huge away victory.

Wigan 3 – 0 Blackburn: Pressure is pushing down on Paul Ince, as Blackburn succumbed meekly in their eleventh straight without a win.  Blackburn fans united with Wigan fans for chants of “You’re getting sacked in the morning.”

Aston Villa 4 – 2 Bolton: Gabby Agbonlahor doubled and Ashley Young scored another to secure Villa a solid victory.  The win moves them past Arsenal into fourth place.  Surprisingly, it’s only their second home league win since September.

Sunderland 4 – 0 West Brom: Sunderland built on last week’s moral victory with a tangible one, sparked by Kenwyne Jones scoring two goals in a minute.  The result moves Sunderland out of the relegation zone and places interim Ricky Sbragia in the permanent job discussion.

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Sunday EPL Results: The Most Gobsmacking Solo Performance From Ashley Young Since…

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Everton 2 – 3 Aston Villa: Joleon Lescott tumbled from gallant to goat in the space of one minute, scoring a dramatic equalizer and then being pantsed by Ashley Young seconds later for the winner.  The win keeps Aston Villa sniffing behind the Top Four.

West Brom 1 – Portsmouth 1: Pompey managed one shot on target, but used it as Peter Crouch saved them face in the second half.  The Baggies stay rooted to the bottom.  Portsmouth sits three points out of Europe.

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Saturday EPL Results: Fulham Hold Aston Villa

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Aston Villa 0 – Fulham 0: Consistency is the key to the top four.  Aston Villa showed why they have not yet finished there.  Gareth Barry missed chances, but it was an even performance from both sides.  Fulham deserved the result.

Middlesbrough 0 – Newcastle 0: This was a monotonous stalemate between two similar teams, filled with almosts and might have beens.  The mist overtaking the pitch in the second half fit the dreariness of the spectacle.

Sunderland 1 – Bolton 4: Cisse scored the first goal, but Bolton roared back with four, threatening the Sunderland goal to the end.  Sunderland won’t fire Keane, but his magic seems to be wearing.

Wigan Athletic 2 – West Brom 1: Wigan recored consecutive victories for the first time under Bruce.  Wigan went down on a Titus Bramble error, but fought back to score two.  They are finally getting the results their talent dictates.

Stoke City 1 – Hull City 1: Hull’s road warrior status continued.  They’ve earned 15 of their 23 points away from home this season.  It would have been 17, but for a dubious penalty.

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Saturday EPL Results: Big Four Shutout

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Manchester City 3 – Arsenal 0: Mentality improves the narrative, but in reality it’s the squad’s thinness.  Arsenal missed Fabregas, Adebayor, Walcott, Sagna, and Toure.  Every Arsenal outfield sub was teenaged.

Chelsea 0 – Newcastle 0: Profligacy cost Chelsea a win.  The had 70% of the possession and 33 shorts with nine on target.  Newcastle did not challenge Cech once.

Liverpool 0 – Fulham 0: Fernando Torres returned and could not affect the result.  Perhaps, Benitez correctly assessed the Keane-Torres partnership.  Not one you’d expect to drop at Anfield.

Aston Villa 0 – Manchester United 0: United missed a ground-gaining opportunity with Chelsea and Liverpool both drawing.  Villa broke a 14-game losing streak against United, with another solid performance.

Middlesbrough 1 – Bolton 3: Boro conceded two straight away.  They held much of the play, but they could not come through.  Swedish so-far bust Elmander scored his first for Bolton since the opening day of the season.

Portsmouth 2 – Hull 2: Who would have picked this one as the most entertaining?  It was fairly even and the score reflected it, with Hull returning to equalize twice.  The timely Windass salvaged a point for the Tigers.

Stoke 1 – West Brom 0: This match equaled expectations, which weren’t enthusiastic.  Mamady Sidibe broke the stultification with a goal in the 84th minute.  Dave Kitson left in a stretcher.

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Saturday EPL Results: Chelsea Cruise, Ronaldo gets 100th goal

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West Brom 0 – Chelsea 3: Chelsea started sloppily, but three goals from Chelsea, including two more from Nicolas Anelka, changed the tone quickly.  They have now outscored opponents 32-4 in their 13 matches.  Absurd.

Bolton 0 – Liverpool 2: Liverpool missed chances.  Benitez’ tactics up front still baffle.  But, they got the job done so fair play.

Manchester United 5 – Stoke City 0: A ruthless performance, showing why United are contenders and Arsenal are not.  Ronaldo got his 100th and 101st goals.  Young Danny Welbeck scored his first.

Newcastle 2 – Wigan 2: Wigan were rocked by a ridiculous red card.  Owen led a final charge in the last ten minutes, only to have it foiled by Titus.

Fulham 2 – Tottenham 1: Spurs blazed into Craven Cottage.  Fulham had fire extinguishers at the ready.  Redknapp has work ahead of him.  Gomes is a clown.  Every win is crucial in a crazed relegation rumble.

Blackburn 1 – Sunderland 2: Sunderland fought back well in the second half with goals from Jones and Cisse.  A nice win after four defeats for Sunderland, pulling Keane’s rump out of the glames.  Are Blackburn relegation candidates?

West Ham 0 – Portsmouth 0: The battle of the two new managers.  Defoe squandered three chances, stopped by Robert Green.  West Ham kept a clean sheet under Zola.  Crazy stuff.  

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Saturday EPL Results: 8 November 2008

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Sunderland 1 – Portsmouth 2: Sunderland owned the first half, but could not force Pompey to pay.  Keane’s men lost focus after Belhadji’s wonder strike.  Diouf was the most notable culprit, deciding the match with his obvious penalty.  Adams may not be some kind of wizard or a genius, but having consistent scoring threats like Crouch and Defoe will aid him.

West Ham 1 – Everton 3: West Ham looked great going forward and foul at the back, in what has quickly become a characteristic loss under Zola.  Louis Saha scored two and could be significant if he stays healthy.  However, place a large emphasis on the “if.”

Liverpool 3 – West Brom 0: The Baggies had no answer for Robbie Keane who scored two.  Fernando Torres returned from injury.  Imagine Benitez fielding them simultaneously.  West Brom will be relegated.

Hull 0 – Bolton 1: The third successive loss for Hull, will have grounded them somewhat, particularly one they would have expected to win.  It’s a symbolic victory for Bolton, launching them from relegation zone to top half of the table.

Stoke City 0 – Wigan 0: I pity the fool who put themselves through that.

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Saturday EPL Results: Spurs Keep Arsenal’s Title Hopes Alive

Tottenham 2 – Liverpool 1: The Redknapp Revolution continued for Tottenham, who, nonetheless, still lie in the relegation zone.  Liverpool dominated the first sixty minutes of the match, but, without Torres, made little of it.  Their poor play finally bit them as Tottenham scored two late.

Manchester United 4 – Hull City 3: This did not excite as much as the score suggests.  Man U hit cruise control with a 4-1 lead.  Hull nearly took advantage of it.  The Tigers have returned to earth, allowing 7 goals to Man U and Chelsea, but, within reason, still look troublesome to lesser teams.

Chelsea 5 – Sunderland 0: Keane dropped Diouf and Cisse, consequently, Sunderland managed one shot total, not on target.  It’s clearly facile for Chelsea when Anelka puts through a hat-trick.

Everton 1 – Fulham 0: The matchup was as entertaining as expected.  Louis Saha decided the bleak affair with a late goal, opening his Everton tally.  The win shoots the Toffees up the table, from the general relegation area to Europe contention.

West Brom 2 – Blackburn 2: Ince’s men scored a late goal to save face.  I could not bring myself to watch this match.  Even McCarthy’s sending off–for a mild tackle and a handball–was super lame.

Middlesbrough 1 – West Ham 1: The match went back and forth, but West Ham got their first point after four consecutive defeats.  However, it was against Middlesbrough, which proves nothing.

Portsmouth 1 – Wigan 2: Wigan surprised with a penalty and an injury-time Heskey goal.  Is Adams this uninspiring, or did Redknapp choose the right time to leave?

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