Rescinded Red

Oh the media monkeys and their junket junkies will invite you to their plastic pantomime. Throw their invites away.

Headlines: White Lines Could Run Through Robbie Fowlers Mind in Chicago Next Season

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Robbie Fowler may be snorting in front of Section 8 next season. (MLS Rumors)

Dean Windass’ blog drove transfer dealings. (Soccerlens)

Jermain Defoe rocked the Oliver Twist look on his first day back at Tottenham. (Off the Post)

Leo Messi is not a Cristiano Ronaldo fan. (Dirty Tackle)

Freddy Adu started and played well against Juventus, but in a friendly. (Soccer By Ives)

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Boxing Day Premier League Results

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Boxing Day is rough for all and, generally, Premier League defenders are not excepted.  With lapsed concentration get slapped haphazardly around the area, with goals raining in from every direction to the delight of spectators (See Chelsea 4 -4 Aston Villa).  This year, alas, only Manchester City and West Ham received the memo.

The Citizens stormed out of the relegation zone, beating Hull City so badly they looked as if they had met Joey Barton outside a McDonalds.  Robinho was fancy, but effective bagging a brace and imposing his flourish on an overmatched Hull defense.  The drubbing was so bad, Phil Brown refused to let Hull return to the dressing room.  Mark Hughes retrieved some of his pride after the loss to West Brom, but dousing the burner under his bottom after one match would be hasty.

West Ham won just their second Premier League victory in their last 13 matches, but it was impressive.  Carlton Cole and Craig Bellamy penetrated the casual and sloppy Portsmouth back line.  How does a team coached by Tony Adams concede nine goals in three matches?  Perhaps, they were too busy packing.

Arsenal drew Aston Villa 2-2 in the tastiest tie of the day, leaving Villa a three-point advantage for fourth place.  Martin O’Neill’s men comprehensively outplayed every Arsenal partisan on the pitch, except the goal post.  Arsenal then, inexplicably, went 2-0 up.  William Gallas gave away a legit penalty in the 65th minute, and Zat Knight, of all people, knocked in an injury-time equalizer.  Both sides could have won.  Both could have lost.  It was the fairest result.

United were big in Japan, and Carlos Tevez was just big enough to score the late winner against Stoke City.  United have scored just three goals in their past five Premier League matches, however they have not conceded and earned three 1-0 victories.  Given Liverpool and Chelsea’s inconsistency of late, Man U could be title favorites if they pick up their games in hand.

Liverpool’s Robbie Keane can be dangerous on a hot run, which he appears to have hit.  His two second-half goals in the 3-0 win against Bolton, as well as his equalizer last weekend against Arsenal have kept Liverpool on top of the table, shocking since this was their first December victory in all competitions.

The other contenders, Chelsea, earned their first home victory since Nov. 1 with their 2-0 defeat of West Brom.  Drogba received the central role, and scored his first league goal since March after three minutes.  Trim, reliable Frank scored in first-half injury time.  Chelsea put the game away.

Wigan vanquished Newcastle 2-1, with Ryan Taylor again tormenting the barcodes.  Approximately 80,000 combined people witnessed Tottenham – Fulham and Sunderland 0 – Blackburn 0.  They went home profoundly bored.

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Saturday EPL Results: Steed, Big Sam and Ricky

sunderland-v-liverpool-1Hull City 1 – 4 Sunderland: Steed Malbranque had a goal and two assists.  How long before Ricky Sbragia gets the permanent job?

Bolton 2 – 1 Portsmouth: Much less impressive for Portsmouth than it looks.  Could Adams suck them into the relegation fight after January player losses?

Fulham 3 – 0 Middlesbrough: A workman like effort for Fulham, with a fair reward.  The Boro have just three points from their last six matches.

Blackburn 3 – 0 Stoke City: Big Sam engenders the new manager bounce.  With winnable games coming up, he could have them out of the relegation zone by New Years Day.

West Ham 0 – 1 Aston Villa: Both teams played hard, my man. Both teams played hard.  Lucas Neill’s sublime own goal deflection proved, without a doubt, why he’s worth £70,000 a week.

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Saturday EPL Results: Title Contenders Underwhelm

heurelho-gomes-spurs-190Liverpool 2 – 2 Hull City: Liverpool dropped points for the third time in four Premier League matches.  Gerrard’s brace evened proceedings, and the Reds stirred the pot during the second half.  But with Robbie Keane on the bench, Liverpool could not muster a third.

Tottenham 0 – 0 Manchester United: Spurs held the line despite injuries to King and Woodgate, with the maligned Gomes, surprisingly, making a crucial late save.  The goalkeeper relieved some angst, but Berbatov, the £30m man, will get more supporter scrutiny, as he once again went scoreless.

Middlesbrough 1 – 1 Arsenal: Adebayor scored early, but Aliadiere, who only tries against his former club, equalized to give Southgate his fifth result in a row against Wenger.  Arsenal missed the opportunity to pick up two points on Liverpool and Manchester United.  It’s sad when this is considered decent.

Manchester City 0 – 1 Everton: Neither side had a healthy striker, so it’s unsurprising that they battered each other boringly for much of the match.  What Cahill lacks as a pure striker, he makes up in grit, with his late header earning Everton a huge away victory.

Wigan 3 – 0 Blackburn: Pressure is pushing down on Paul Ince, as Blackburn succumbed meekly in their eleventh straight without a win.  Blackburn fans united with Wigan fans for chants of “You’re getting sacked in the morning.”

Aston Villa 4 – 2 Bolton: Gabby Agbonlahor doubled and Ashley Young scored another to secure Villa a solid victory.  The win moves them past Arsenal into fourth place.  Surprisingly, it’s only their second home league win since September.

Sunderland 4 – 0 West Brom: Sunderland built on last week’s moral victory with a tangible one, sparked by Kenwyne Jones scoring two goals in a minute.  The result moves Sunderland out of the relegation zone and places interim Ricky Sbragia in the permanent job discussion.

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Saturday EPL Results: United Escape Against Sunderland

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Manchester United 1 – 0 Sunderland: Sunderland conveniently picked the match after Keane leaves for their most steely performance of the season.  United outshot Sunderland 31-3 and finally took the advantage on a late Vidic header.

Arsenal 1 – 0 Wigan: Adebayor scored early.  Arsenal hit the post a few times.  Eboue was booed off the pitch.  The Gunners nearly cocked it up, but held on for three points.  Arsenal fans will take it.

Blackburn 1 – 3 Liverpool: This was close for most of the match, but Liverpool caught fire at the end.  Can Liverpool get by on midfield goals?  Winless in their last ten, how much more patience will Blackburn have for Ince?

Bolton 0 – 2 Chelsea: A solid Chelsea victory with little inspiration.  Anelka scored against his former club.  Deco dumped in an overrated scissor kick.  Chelsea has won six straight away at Bolton, without conceding.

Hull City 2 – 1 Middlesbrough: Boro took a late lead from Tuncay, but an own goal and a David Wheater penalty handed Hull the win.  Could Hull be playing in Europe next season?

Newcastle 2 – 2 Stoke City: Michael Owen scored two in the first 24 minutes.  Newcastle squandered the lead.  Shockingly, Joe Kinnear will likely face another conduct inquiry.

Fulham 1 – 1 Manchester City: The biggest club in the world started Darius Vassell up front, and again disappointed away from home.  Jimmy Bullard scored his first league goal of the season.  Fulham look quite frisky this season.

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Saturday EPL Results: Fulham Hold Aston Villa

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Aston Villa 0 – Fulham 0: Consistency is the key to the top four.  Aston Villa showed why they have not yet finished there.  Gareth Barry missed chances, but it was an even performance from both sides.  Fulham deserved the result.

Middlesbrough 0 – Newcastle 0: This was a monotonous stalemate between two similar teams, filled with almosts and might have beens.  The mist overtaking the pitch in the second half fit the dreariness of the spectacle.

Sunderland 1 – Bolton 4: Cisse scored the first goal, but Bolton roared back with four, threatening the Sunderland goal to the end.  Sunderland won’t fire Keane, but his magic seems to be wearing.

Wigan Athletic 2 – West Brom 1: Wigan recored consecutive victories for the first time under Bruce.  Wigan went down on a Titus Bramble error, but fought back to score two.  They are finally getting the results their talent dictates.

Stoke City 1 – Hull City 1: Hull’s road warrior status continued.  They’ve earned 15 of their 23 points away from home this season.  It would have been 17, but for a dubious penalty.

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Ferguson Banned For Improper Conduct

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Sir Alex Ferguson received a two-match touchline ban and a £10,000 fine from the FA for improper conduct during Manchester United’s match with Hull City on Nov. 1.

The Man U manager confronted referee Mike Dean after the match, irate that Hull defender Michael Turner was not red-carded for his challenge on Michael Carrick.

Sir Alex refuses contact with either the BBC or Sky TV.  He now gets a two match reprieve from being present on the touchline.  Soon, he will be sending his squad changes and team talks by way of Blackberry.  We’re on to you, old man.

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Sunday EPL Results: One Big Stalemate

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Hull City 2 – Manchester City 2: It was exciting football, or crap defending, depending on your perspective.  This was a good road result for Man City, which says a lot for the Hughes regime.

Everton 1 – Middlesbrough 1: The type of result that will keep both these teams mediocre.  The normally prolific Yakubu scored his first goal in ten.  Is a streak to come? 

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Windass: “Violent and Appalling”

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Hull strikers Dean Windass and Marlon King fought “like snarling animals” in a casino Wednesday Night.

Windass said something that angered King.  King then told Windass “You bastard.  Wait until I tell my boy what you said.” (Apparently, Marlon King’s boys are fearsome)  Windass retorted “It was a joke.  You know fuck all about anything.”  King then headbutted Windass, escalating the incident into a brawl.

King also, reportedly, swore at a receptionist and slipped his $28,000 watch into his pocket before claiming it had been stolen.

The players were allowed to stay, after promising solitude.  The left the casino at 4:30 A.M.

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Saturday EPL Results: Spurs Keep Arsenal’s Title Hopes Alive

Tottenham 2 – Liverpool 1: The Redknapp Revolution continued for Tottenham, who, nonetheless, still lie in the relegation zone.  Liverpool dominated the first sixty minutes of the match, but, without Torres, made little of it.  Their poor play finally bit them as Tottenham scored two late.

Manchester United 4 – Hull City 3: This did not excite as much as the score suggests.  Man U hit cruise control with a 4-1 lead.  Hull nearly took advantage of it.  The Tigers have returned to earth, allowing 7 goals to Man U and Chelsea, but, within reason, still look troublesome to lesser teams.

Chelsea 5 – Sunderland 0: Keane dropped Diouf and Cisse, consequently, Sunderland managed one shot total, not on target.  It’s clearly facile for Chelsea when Anelka puts through a hat-trick.

Everton 1 – Fulham 0: The matchup was as entertaining as expected.  Louis Saha decided the bleak affair with a late goal, opening his Everton tally.  The win shoots the Toffees up the table, from the general relegation area to Europe contention.

West Brom 2 – Blackburn 2: Ince’s men scored a late goal to save face.  I could not bring myself to watch this match.  Even McCarthy’s sending off–for a mild tackle and a handball–was super lame.

Middlesbrough 1 – West Ham 1: The match went back and forth, but West Ham got their first point after four consecutive defeats.  However, it was against Middlesbrough, which proves nothing.

Portsmouth 1 – Wigan 2: Wigan surprised with a penalty and an injury-time Heskey goal.  Is Adams this uninspiring, or did Redknapp choose the right time to leave?

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